ure everything
i fucked up so bad like insanely crazy bad like i took a shit and smeared it all over the walls kinda bad
i dont want you to be just a memory
nobody else knows me or will know me like you do
we havent been able to talk properly in the past two-three days, january 20 at 01.16 am rn. and idk when we are able to talk she isnt fully there until i text again like before i said goodnight she didnt reply and when i said im gonna sleep she was there in an instant like it's obvious ure doing something else on ur phone but why not try and spend time with me? and how did i text u four texts after one another to say goodnight even though ure the one not making time for me and you just say "this is so sad" and "sleep well tarik"
i dont want you to fall into past habits
u have such hatred, grudge, resentment and spite towards me
has anything i ever said stuck with you
ChatGPT: There could be many reasons why this girl is not texting you back and why your conversations have become less frequent. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with her to understand the reasons behind her behavior. Perhaps she is busy with school, work, or other obligations, or maybe she is going through a personal issue that she is not ready to share. Alternatively, she may have lost interest or is no longer invested in the relationship. Without more information, it's difficult to determine the exact reason for her behavior.
>I miss her
I'm sorry to hear that. It's understandable to miss someone you used to talk to regularly. Have you tried reaching out to her and expressing how you feel? It's possible that there may have been a misunderstanding or miscommunication that caused the distance between you two. However, it's important to respect her boundaries and decisions if she doesn't want to reconnect.
there is a time when a man needs to fight
and a time where he needs to accept his destiny's lost
the ship has sailed and only a fool will continue.
but ive always been a bit of a fool
i wanted to change the playlist name to tell u i missed you today. i just saw you deleted the playlist
i fell in love with you every time. every time we both changed i kept falling in love with you. i dont think im the same person i was when i first met you and neither are you, we grew together
does she think im funny? why did she stop interacting with me. why does she interact with other dudes but not me
the last time you said something openly to me or about me on the timeline was before we had any mutuals
i wanted to change the playlist name to tell u i missed you today. i just saw you deleted the playlist
i wonder what ure doing right now. im watching the candy necklace video that came out two hours ago, youtube recommended it. i miss you and i do understand and i know that it wont ever be like it was but its still hard. i hope ure safe and happy and there is a reason for you to smile every and now again. i hope you think of me fondly athena
u sent me two texts in my dream, it didnt make sense but you had texted me and i was excited, but i think i knew it was a dream
[regarding your tumblr post saying "this too shall pass" on the same day] it shall
her sleep schedule is whenever im awake
i adore you
i miss you so much. there is so many things left unsaid and im really sorry. i really know i did terrible and i hate myself the most for not loving you how i wanted to love you. i really dont want to spam text you because i want to give you your space and let you handle it at your own pace, i also know that even if something were to happen, nothing would be the same. i really did grow as a person with you and no matter what[,] i know that i love you truly. youre wonderful and just everything to me.
domain was bought
she thinks im gonna leave her for some other girl like no i just want her to know how much she means to me like
everything ive told her ive only told her everything ive done for her ive only done for her
why did u like me
why did u love me
ive been talking to a lot of friends and been reflecting and i am sorry. i know things will never be like it used to be and there is nothing to do but ive really been thinking a lot. there is no point in me typing this or even if i told you this but i dont want to stay like this
ure the single most loving caring person ive ever met
i knew something was going to happen ever since late january where u started acting off and didnt even care for my birth day
i want to send you tiktoks but im afraid i will get blocked lol
everytime i see you i get reminded of how might God is
thank you for being so patient with me as much as you have been. and i know that i wrote somewhere here [referring to my notes] that i kept falling in love with you and that is so true. i still get butterflies when i think of you and it had always been like that throughout, i am sorry for hurting you. i love you, i hope you're enjoying your vacation
i prayed during fajr for god to help me on what to do, i saw you in my dream u were here and i wanted to tell u everything and u sat and listened and i pulled out my phone to read the notes ive written and you were sitting with ur back turned against me. i missed you, and the whole time i was following you wherever you were going until we sat with ur back turned
its not how u made me feel but its about u as a person. ure such a great person and so perfect i just miss you
we got on a bus and i sat there near where i sat going to Poland. and a friend of ours or something sat near me and u sat behind us. after a bit i asked if u wanted to sit where i sat and stood up and sat at the back bc i didnt want to inconvenience you although i so badly wanted to talk
i saw you in my dream. again. im gonna try and be as detailed as i can remember. first i was at some kind of event with people and we had our own rooms where we were staying with like other people. i was walking around the city looking at shops and antiques or whatever and i think you sent me a few texts. you wrote a song while you were high [was in the lyrics] and a text for university where you called me a piece of shit and a manipulator or stuff like that and i was reading it crying and stuff like real sad. i was walking around wallowing and whatever and i cant remember a lot but you got off a bus to give me something and i asked to talk but you denied and was on your way back to the bus and i begged and begged crying and u turned around for a second and i didnt speak trying to gather my thoughts then you turned back again and got on the bus and i was just crying. looking at you as u took ur seat and as the door closed as like alast look at you. then i tried stopping the bus or whatever and got arrested because i was disrupting traffic. and i talked to my friends and tehy said u did all that and still have the audacity to cry and it was terrible and we talked and two girls knew u somehow and they talked to me and i asked them how they knew u, they said twitter and i was like bc of her pinterest, tumbleresque posts and tehy were like i dont like tumblr and said u had been oomfs on and off and shit like that and i was like okay. it turns out u lived in holland now and i was confused because u said u cant leave the country. there was also another part where i hear from you and just fell to my knees and face after and just laid at the grass for a while at like a slope? or a hill and then got up and started running down the hill. then i woke up and i was like thank god it was all a dream. i cant remember the chronological order but i woke up and was like thank god it was just a dream and tried contacting you and yhou were nice and talked to me and showed me ur outfit and i asked why you didnt pick up when i called and you said oh i have a new number now because i live in holland. save that one and just as you were about to come to me i woke up. the first time i woke up within the dream i went back the story in my head so i can remember it and write it down
and another part where i was driving a car anmd crashing because i cant break properly but like minor crashes and the police being behind me and i was like shit fuck this is real life im fucked and there were police
sorry the update took so long. i couldn't figure out the css. my friends tell me not to give you the gift, maybe ure happier and trying to forget me and its just best not to remind you. i dont know. i really wish you had them but then again, i wish a lot of things. i wish to have held your hand once and smelled ur scent after u hug me.
i saw you in my dream again. i[u?] called and i picked up. we were somewhere idk u didnt wanna talk. a lot u were singing along to a song, teary and i was listening. then i found u and came to u but then 3 girls were tehre so we couldn't talk a lot. i was trying to talk to u the wholetime but u werent really interested but u were.
i miss you but i dont think it would be fair to text you. i miss you so much i wanna text you and talk to you everything and just be with you i miss you so much. i keep dreaming of you
ive told all my friends about you. and people i trust, i told them what an idiot i am and whenever they see me they ask if u ever ended up texting me back. obviously the answer is no. i wish u would though
i cant stop daydreaming and thinking about you. i wish we could go to the beach together and do stuff and i miss you so much i wish i could text you. my mistakes are eating me up inside and all i can do is work towards a better me and hope that youre alright
i am still figuring it out, today i was able to make it so its centered, although i wrote that note in january, i added it to the website around june, and now it is uploaded on september. i don't know, i did not want to upload it like that because it is sad, i might remove it, i don't want this to be all sad. i miss you but i can't do anything about it. idek how to monitor this websites traffic so i have no clue if youre even looking at it. maybe u arent, maybe u are. i still need to figure out how to make it look cleaner bc i dont want this to be all messy and all around the place like my thoughts
i dont want to be this way. i dont want to be like this
u texted me again. and u were replying [referring to a dream]
hit by a kj turret?
ath i miss u so much
i saw you in my dream, you were in some shit uni and idk we were talking and kinda doing stuff. you said u didnt visit the website. kinda disappointed me. u were so pretty i couldnt be away from u i just wanted to kiss you and hold you and i did always kiss and hug u. u were mad and told me stuff and u asked me how many times i fell in love with u and i said once then said three times and then u said something about me falling in love with u three times but still being something complicated this isnt even all of it idk
i thought i would get better. i did not, im sorry. i was immature and i still am
it is something i live with every day. i wanted to be good for you.
i talk it over with my friends. one said u were heart broken and disappointed
we got on a bus and i sat there near where i sat going to Poland. and a friend of ours or something sat near me and u sat behind us. after a bit i asked if u wanted to sit where i sat and stood up and sat at the back bc i didnt want to inconvenience you although i so badly wanted to talk [another dream]
i thought i had figured out the css but i guess not, website looks shit and unorganized atm. i will upload it in 5 mins regardless and work on it in the future
i broke my promises to you. u wanted me to beg and ask for u back i know but i dont know if u still want that. i miss you so much u are everything i ever want in life with you i am whole and at peace. i miss you so much, im past words, universes couldnt describe it
i want to talk to you so bad
if i had to fuck up i wish to have fucked up some other kind of way so we could still reconcile things between one another
athena, ive honestly debated forever in my head if i should reach out to you. i still am not sure, my friends also discourage me from doing that. it is unfair to you, maybe you are happier now and i want you to be happy. i did try to talk to you at the start but i noticed you didnt want me to and i did not want to get blocked so i just gradually lessened the amount i texted you, i also did not want to come off as crazy but holy shit am i crazy it is insane ive not stopped thinking about you i think about you all the time, i see you in everything i look at, every movie i watch, every song i listen to. you were a constant guest in my dreams. like those two times where you told me you want me to work on myself with you. i still want to go to medina and find you and spend a few months there idk its just stupid shit[.] i daydream about you. im not much of a thinker, i wish you had told me everything and i could tell you everything.
you made me realize i hadnt loved nor been loved before
Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are burried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.
-Sigmund Freud
time moves so fast. and i dont want it to go by without you. i want to talk to you. what is this world if we cannot tell those we love, we love them. what if it comes to a point i never can?
i dont want to give the version of me u made to someone else
my friends are saying its obsession
doesnt feel like change until u look back
never get loved the way u want to get loved.
i was so dumb and immature and i am so stupid i am sorry i want to die i miss you so much i want to text you so bad
i fixed up the css a little. although it isnt the way i want it, it will do
how different could tings have been, had you lived 5 minutes away from me
i remember she used to be obsessed with me and remember every little thing i told her about me
thank you for loving me
i've been home pretty much all week. i am editing the website again. it kills me wondering if you ever go on to read it or check it but i know that i don't update it that frequently and i don't even know if you ever opened the website to begin with. kind of like a place for the unsaid. i had a lot unsaid, from the start. things i cant even write down here. i kind of broke down earlier just thinking about you so i'm heading out in a bit to get cigarettes again, i wonder what you're doing. and if ure thinking of me. i should make another section on here for lines i think are pretty instead of tweeting them on my private. "i like to think of your silence as the love letters you will not write." it is odd, its been over half a year and i know youve changed, u were changing even when we talked and i loved you even more with each day but when the unsaid add up it gets out of hand. im just thinking about how u might not even be the you i used to know. ure into football, i just follow the turkish league. u got different friends and dont even interact with some of the others u interacted with early last year. i am overthinking and overanalyzing a lot idk. i hope your grandmother and mother are okay and well, and so are you
i wish you would text me today
i think about you all the time but sometimes it hits me harder and i need to breathe deeper and just collect my thoughts.
i dont know if ure still the same you i knew, there was so much we shouldve talked about. at the time i kept blaming myself for the things i did and i still do. i should've gone about it another way but when things happen it cant be just from one side, we both had our problems and not talking about such things and acting upon them as individuals rather than as one was another issue.
lately ive just been editing the html directly to write on here instead of first putting my thoughts down on my notes. i sprayed miss dior on a piece of paper they let u test out again on friday [02.02.2024] when i was in frankfurt. what has become of me?
i saw you in my dream. it felt so real and i really missed you. i texted you and you answered
ill miss you forever
i think it was genuine, i hope it was. i dont think i will ever love nor be loved like that
i used a harsh language and i was too hard on you. i am sorry. u do not deserve that, i wish i could be there for you all the time. i hate myself
i notice when u remove me from somewhere. first it was spotify and its kind of funny because before that my boss asked to follow me on spotify and i was like i dont want new followers but i didnt wanna tell him no and i was going to unhide my spotify followers so u could see the name abdurahman if u were to check and maybe laugh but i didnt. a bit after that u removed me there. a few weeks ago i saw u were online on discord and i so wanted to join vc on ur server but i didnt want u to notice u still had me there but clearly to no use because u did and u removed me there too. and tumblr as well. idk why im even typing this but its just like a connection to u dude i sound crazy rn what the hell. changing topics. i try to transfer the notes to the website the way i wrote it down but sometimes i dont even know what i wrote down or that it isnt punctuated and illegible that i either add punctuations or comments within these [] so that its somewhat clear what i mean.
i cant accept the fact that i lost you
i added a lot more from the past. just from my notes off my iphone. i wouldnt know the dates on analog notes but there are still tweets that i can put on here. im just explaining my thought process. i didnt have wifi at home from friday to monday this week so i couldnt do anything on my pc or at home. thats why i didnt see u reply back on steam either. i was in class and i was breathing heavy and was shaking a bit, i didnt know you would see it at all because the last time you were on steam was 707 days ago on the day that i texted you.
i havent stopped dreaming of you
i literally prayed for you yesterday during Mid-Sha'ban [you sent me a song after]
can i send you another song?
ramadan mubarak, i hope this ramadan will be good for you
how are your cats doing? here is a mixtape i made for you in april of 2023, i wanted to send it to you or reach it to you somehow. mixtape because it is a CD but i also had it on an ipod. kind of confused because the youtube playlist i made for it has more songs than the downloaded list but ill just list those that are downloaded. i dont know if you would enjoy it now but i like to think you wouldve then. its on an unordered list, just sorted by date created in my folder
this is so embarassing reading it back, most of the songs are good though. i wouldve added a few more if i were to make one now and i will probably just write them on the website, like the songs i sent you. and ive also been constantly listening to the song you sent me and reading the lyrics, i asked my friend to translate but i dont think his arabic is that good he said it would be hard to and even the translations on the website i always read from differ version to version but i really like it. it is beautiful.
every love song, every poem really was written about you.
did you really put a spell on me or had i just been enchanted by you all along?
i want to love you
ive been trying to find that clip of us for the first time on csgo where i try to read the signs in arabic and u laughing at me for forever now
im fucking terrible i hate it i keep thinking and thinking and thinking like how dumb and immature and stupid could i have been holy shit. i also want to write more personal stuff on here, i should start that.
another friend of mine is going to umrah this Ramadan just like last year. i cant help but feel jealous but circumstances wont allow me to. i miss your voice
i know its been so long but i still find myself wanting to tell you whats going about on my day and life
i sit here typing in my dark room, thinking about you. it feels like a day that would be perfect to talk to you. i wrote my last exam before spring break today, it was a history exam and that was all i had for school today so i just got back home and vacuumed the house as my mother had a guest coming over. i shaved and cleaned myself up as well, and then i wanted to go shower because i had iftar plans with friends at this new restaurant but i couldnt because we had a guest so i just kinda fell asleep, nothing to do and i was so tired getting too little sleep this whole week because of exams. thank god that was it until the end of the break but i still have to work on an ethics paper which is due on Sunday midnight but i didnt even start yet and we had multiple weeks for it, just feeling burnt out from school that i zone out in few classes and then have to make up for what ive been missing. sometimes u cant make up for what ure missing. anyways my mom woke me up and asked if ill still make it to dinner with my friends so i got up and showered then went out. lowkey got ripped off like its not some place i would eat but we tried it. then we walked to my friends house because his parents werent home and we wanted to watch the Turkey vs Hungary match and we legit lost can u believe that like whole game was ass but they only won because of their penalty kick buy whatever. ended 1-0 and we set out to the train station and i got home. just sitting here now. the friend i mentioned going to umrah here landed in Saudi Arabia today, i wish that was me but it is over anyways. i texted him to bring me a jar of air from medina
here are a few songs i wanted to write here. my playlists are kind of empty again idk i cant find new music i listen to bs turkish shit although i wanna listen more of english
i still use the same picture you sent me back then as my wallpaper
i wish our families knew each other and you came over for iftars and we barely conversed but kept coming eye to eye. i wish i knew you all throughout your life.
i didnt even start with ethics yet. ive been doing so much for school because of exams these last weeks and just want to rest now. but my mom keeps inviting people over for iftar and asking me to do things as if she consulted with me before inviting them so i just dont even start because i know i will not be able to concentrate especially because my sister is back too like i just want silence to hear myself breathe and do whatever i want without so many people all up in my space i feel like im suffocating. you probably dont know but i tried moving out before summer break and almost did till something else came up but im trying again and i hope it will be good for me. how is your grandmother?
I miss you so much Athena. I know I did terrible things I know we both did stupid stuff. I just hope you're taking care of your health and mental well being and I hope you are amazing and wonderful and doing good and have good people surrounding you and your mom is okay and that you're okay and i just can't stop thinking about you. i really just want to be in your presence and breathe the same air as you. i don't know if im making stuff up in my head or whatever this is but it really is not that deep and there is death tomorrow. i love you and you are very dear to me
im filled with warmth just thinking of you i legit feel warm
thank you for visiting my dream. it was kind of crazy but you were there the wghole time and we kept conversing and thinking and u were here and we were talking and this was the first time we genuinely talked in my dream i think
you told me you are reading the website and you hate me i think
so hard not to think of you when everything reminds me of you. i tear up to literally everything now. am i insane?
both of us just not being there early 2023 makes me want to die. i want to talk to you for hours until sunrise to sunset to sunrise, i wish i could
im always angry lately. idk if its because im smoking less or just out of patience and cranky
i sit here now just adding the last few days, thinking. do you think we think about each other at the same time every now and again? do you think of me?
özledim diye mesaj atamam ama seni hatırlatan şarkıyı sabaha kadar dinlerim
i got a haircut. they lowkey fucked me up
i saw you in my dream, you were there and you said my arabic stuff was sweet and i could not take my eyes off of you. you saw me talk to some girl and got mad and started leaving and i explained the situation and it was kay. and then we played a mini game and stuff like that and it was like ure a rich mob boss or something? i kept looking at you and you looked at me like i was crazy and we made out so hard a few times [astaghfirullah]. you looked really pretty though. there were a lot of things going on but that was the main point. and also that i had a camera in my room which i linked to the website so you could watch me 24/7???
it does make sense to see you. you are all i think about. ive mentioned you first in my prayers after i pray and before i break my fast for so long now
I got back home today. I just tried crying now but I still can't cry. i want to hit my head against the wall or something i want to die i cant atone in any other way for my sins. senden mahrum kalmak ne kadarda zor bir şeymiş
i was listening to Matrahak Bi Albi while washing the dishes and my mom said "your song is nice tarikcim" and i was like u want me to raise the volume and she was like yeah and then as she started singing she was like "oh is it arabic?"
i was actually so stupid it hurts like wowww
i dont know how you read these but when i find something older i put it to the date so if youre just checking the bottom for new things then u might miss out earlier dates wow typing these i sound dumb as fuck thinking u read it still. i love you Athena, Eid Mubarak.
beni yeniden sev
"if this was meant for me why does it hurt so much" - You on 29th April of 2021 at 04.11 (UTC+2)
I love you, I don't care to say it I really do and there is so much going through my head and I really miss you. I know that there isn't a fresh start and there never will be. We can't forget nor act as we just met. I am really thankful for you and I still keep you in all my prayers honestly I still can't stop thinking about you. I will love you always.
I can't be the same thing to you now - Look On Down From The Bridge by Mazzy Star
i love you, therefore i should let go
i wish i had written down the things i found to be poetic
i didnt know what love was until i met you
i saw you in my dream again. i dont remember much but i sent you these pictures of your name in the snow
I texted you a few pictures from late January because I saw you in my dream on Sunday and we were talking and I had sent you those pictures as well which I don't know why I saw, I was not thinking of the pictures or anything as far as I remember. They didn't send. I'm going to integrate pictures onto here. I still don't want to bother you. I really am living in my head I'm full schizo rn lol
ps. i added a little rose to <3
"You have no idea what a charming memory you are to me."
- Friedrich Nietzsche, from Selected Letters
How long am I going to drag this on?
Spent almost three hours just clearing my gallery of pictures from 2022 and early 2023, need to continue tomorrow but now I am tired.
I think I need to leave you alone, my friend tells me that I put you on a pedestal, I had to google that and I suppose it is true. I just need to stop, why does loving feel pathetic?
Ne hasta bekler sabahı,
Ne taze ölüyü mezar.
Ne de şeytan, bir günahı,
Seni beklediğim kadar.
Geçti istemem gelmeni,
Yokluğunda buldum seni;
Bırak vehmimde gölgeni,
Gelme, artık neye yarar?
- Necip Fazıl Kısakürek
Ive been trying to pretend like nothing is bothering me and everything is okay but everything is bothering me. Working or studying to keep myself busy it is not working. I know this wont work either but why do i keep missing you? Some things cant be realized without loss and you changed my life with and without your presence. Ive never cried like this
Sevdim seni bir kere
I bet you would have loved midwest emo
had a bit of a headache so I napped today. It is exams yet again but it will be over in a month, and then I have an internship for two weeks and it is summer afterwards
Of course I'll hurt you. Of course you'll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
How many days have again gone silently by; today is May 28.
Can't stop think[ing] of you
It is almost summer, I am looking forward to my internship. I just wanted to write a few things that are from early 2023, I'm not really sure, I don't have a date on them.
doesnt tell me about whats going on
maybe i am asking too much from her
i am sorry that i was not there for you, and i feel like u will always have such a special place for me
That is about all I want to add from then. I wish I was as good of a writer as you, I hope you're doing good in your university.
لكنني أحاول أحاول أن أصلي لك من أجل الانقاذ من أجل ألا أهلك وحدي بطريقة تافهة لا تساوي شيء أمام هذا العذاب العظيم.
Im sorry i had to lose you to get a grip
I am currently doing my internship in Frankfurt. At the office, I brought my laptop with me so I am able to write right now. Sitting, listening to music and drinking black tea that I made this morning at the office. What are you doing?
I ask God for His forgiveness and maybe when He does and so do I, maybe you will too.
I texed you twice since sending you a song link but it was unnecessary anyways, maybe it is better they didn't deliver. I am thinking of adding images on this website anyway, might look like a shit tumblr page. Even reading these back feels kind of weird like I don't know what I should think of it
Do you mean me when you say "do you promise to write to me forever?"
Also I know that the SSL certificate expired i just dont know if i should renew it right now, since the website is working you just need to click two things tbh idk
I am on my way back to the office in Frankfurt again. I left my laptop there so I have to go get it and just see how things are going in the office wityhout me and how they're holding up. Hehe. I am planning on going to Berlin next week or so, I have to apply for a visa and it was either that or Dusseldorf for me and I wanted to see Berlin again. Remember the last time I went? I put pictures in our locket. I pray Allah grants your brother shifa.
You might think the design on this website is lame or lazy but this is exactly how I wanted it to look like. I want to add images soon.
I think i sprained my neck today it hurts so bad like actually
Site went down, I just made everything good again.
I've been working on this for a few hours since I came back from my driving lesson today. A few hours at least. I cleaned up the URL and made a few iterations to the '<3' page which partly didn't work once up online (zero idea why). So I changed it a bit again and worked something else out. Definitely changed that page as well as the images page multiple times and I will edit the images page in the near future. I did finally add it at least. I am really sorry for everything
I admire your resilience. You are so strong
I realize I dont even know you anymore. Ive barely known you since the start of 2023.
Happy birthday Athena.
I still havent worked out how I will caption the images. So for the meantime, the first two pictures are from July 31, 2023, taken in Sarajevo, Bosnia. Those two pictures aren't compressed so it might take a while to load but that also means its metadata is still on it so you can basically just save the picture to see when and where it was taken.
On August 5, 2024 at 01.58 I wrote "Thank you for not telling me to stop with this", I did not want to write it here and keep it to myself. I don't know I think I just didn't even want to give you that idea.
took a 4 hour nap (fell asleep after i got home) and I think I saw you in my dream. from what i can remember you were mad and upset with me
I am sick, and at home since yesterday. How are you doing? Did you remove me on steam now too? I think I might be the first person in history to get blocked on twitter, tumblr, spotify and removed on instagram and steam. I think you changed your number too, just guessing.
Yesterday I added two new pictures from 2023, metadata still on it if you want to see when where and what time. I have another playlist from May 2023, this time its on spotify tho and has like 101 songs currently. It has been so long.
Sometimes i think to myself of why i miss you. Was it how you made me feel? How we were? But I know not to question that, it doesn't matter. I think of you still so I hope you can sleep easy at night. At some pub in Scotland right now. I hope ure okay
I am sitting at the library, I need to study for an exam I have now but I just got back from Scotland yesterday at like 6pm and I wanted to add what I wrote from 31. October on here. I still have ur uni email if u still have access to it, i think thats the only place i left. Here are some songs i wanted to share -
When you wrote "do you promise to write me forever?" on your tumblr was it about me? I feel like a weirdo lmfaooooo whatever fuck I miss you so much lol. [25.11.2024 I realize I wrote this down already] Ive been getting sick a lot lately, I dont know why. Maybe I convinced my body into thinking Im sick last Friday when I went to the doctors to get a note. I dont know. I got my license yesterday btw
why am I even censoring my own thoughts on a website I made. I dont want to make you feel bad or anything at all but like I think I need to just let go of whatever I want to say and write down my thoughts without censoring them. I miss you so fucking much fuck my life I am so fucking dumb hollyyyyyy shit oh my god. I even wrote down on the 9th of November 2024, at 18.01 "Not once have I asked you to come back on here. ure a good memory and I miss you so much and have so much love in my heart for you" but I did not want to write it down on here because I dont fucking know. It is true, I dont think Ive asked you to come back. I know it wouldnt work there are so many factors, so many stuff so many texts just keep replaying in my head over and over again. Before October 7, 2023, I used to think of working at some fuckass starbucks near you after i graduate to maybe have the chance of seeing you there and taking ur order or some dumbass shit like just roaming the city and feel something but like I cant even describe what I want to say I just know I still constantly think of you. I always retweet shit and tweet stuff all with the thought of you in my mind. I still talk about you to my friends to those who are still willing to listen and not tell me to shut the fuck up about it and move on already like fuck I know I should but at the same time IDFK im just rambling rn. Very overwhelmed too I just think of you all the time. I miss you so much Athena. I know I should stop listening to people already but a relatively new friend of mine told me that I should text you then and what would happen and I said I do not want to bother her. I do not want to bother you. I said I dont know what ure up to, I dont know what youre doing and what kind of life youre living. Maybe you already have it over in your head or you are trying to get over it (although it has been so long. too damn long) i do not want to disturb that. I dont have the right to. And I said I know you have your own stuff going on too and he said maybe you will be good for her, maybe she will be good for you. I dont know anything I fucking hate whatever Ive dug myself into here. I also mentioned like Im legit blocked everywhere like spotify and how u have all ur other accounts closed YES I STALK WHATEVER FUCK ME and he was like I didnt even know you can do that on spotify and I said she either deactivated her steam or unfriended me on there and he was like steam too? I dont know where I am going with this. please be well.
I saw you in my dream, i had a real weird shit [had a weird experience] and i wanted to talk to you and so i called you and you didnt pick up and texted me and i asked if i could call you and you said ok and i did and one friend (an oomf of yours) was also on the call and you barely talked and he talked to me about it and all and you said i should do this every day with him
[Pause because my friend stayed at my place and he asked for a towel so he could wash his hair before we had breakfast and requested that I continue typing later]
And your brothers and sisters and father were also there because somehow i was in your house? I cant remeber after that
you're as pretty as ever.
I took down the pictures of me I took on your birthday sitting on a bench
We are thematizing justice in my ethics class. After class I asked my teacher "we are doing justice, but so far we haven't done what we should do in the case of us doing injustice towards someone" and he told me to recognize that and apologize. I know I did you injustice, I know I cannot atone for it nor will my guilt purify me. I want you to know I am sorry Athena.